Wednesday, April 11, 2012

6 years

This month marks 6 years that we have been trying to get pregnant.  

I can barely even write that.  

I should be mourning my babies going to kindergarten this year.  It's a weird feeling to sit in a group of friends, who started having babies AFTER we started trying, and are now discussing being "through."  Who will be our babies playmates?  God, what is your plan?  We are doing OK...we are choosing to be VICTORS and not VICTIMS...but there is just a dark place deep inside that will always be there.  Even when we ARE blessed, I know that hole will still play a role in my life.  We have such a wonderful life and we are SO blessed & truly find joy in the blessing that He HAS given us...we are just broken as we wait for our dreams to be fulfilled and our arms to be filled. 

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am

What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
(lyrics from MercyMe "The Hurt & The Healer")


Finding joy through our broken life,
K


(PS...I know Ive been the suckiest blogger who keeps promising to "be back" but I really am back this time.  I still have 2 changes to write about; 1 didn't turn out as we hoped, so it's hard for me to feel like writing it & the 2nd is exciting & the reason why I now have more time to blog!  Stay with me...more coming!!)

6 comments:

Kate said...

My heart hurts so much for yours.

I believe that the deep desires of our hearts are put there by our Father, which makes it so hard to understand why it's been taking so long for you both.

Know that you are being prayed over, and there are those of us who are loving you while you endure this season of waiting.

I wish I had great flowery words of comfort, but I don't. It sucks and I am so sorry. And I love you.

xoxo

Sandy said...

9 years ago, I was so jacked up on clomid and desperation, I couldn't see straight. My story has turned out differently than yours, but my heart remembers that feeling. And my heart just hurts for you. I am so hopeful for you guys though! I'll keep you in my prayers!

Britney K said...

Praying for you guys, friend. I love you and KNOW that He came to give LIFE! Praying the lost and stolen ground will be reclaimed this year! Go God beat the devil. :) lol... kind of. HA!

Rana said...

Kristina- I too can understand your heartache and desperation and know how badly it sucks and how hard it is to be among friends that have babies left and right while being left behind, struggling with infertility. Hold on to hope my friend, embrace the blessings you have in this moment while you wait for the Lord to deliver your dreams. Oh how sweet and wonderful and amazing it will be to experience God's gifts to you and Ben. I love you and am truly sorry you are still in the waiting and hoping season of becoming parents.

Lacy said...

I almost feel as though I don't have a right to comment on people's blogs anymore, but then I remind myself that I was in that position at one time and almost 8 years later here we are. I cried reading your blog because my heart honestly hurts for you guys. We went to the Rock and Worship Roadshow a couple of months ago and MercyMe was there and sang that song and I just cried because at that time I still believed that our struggles to have children would never end and that song just seemed like it was meant for me at that time. I am going to continue to pray that God shows His direction for your life to you and blesses you beyond what you can imagine!

Stephanie said...

Still praying for you!!!! I don't have any profound words to add to the already wonderfully stated comments. Just wanted you to know I was still thinking about y'all, hurting for y'all, and praying!

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