Monday, June 27, 2011

What a difference a year makes

Ok...I know I am FIRED for being a horrible blogger...but hopefully l will do better? Do you believe me?

Work is SO super busy with Camp coming in August & I leave work sometimes hardly sitting for a few minutes. Then, our computer at home is a dinosaur and takes hours to boot I spend all my time on my phone. I finally got an app that i'm going to try. Hopefully, I'll be better at posting the things on my mind. Everyday I think, "that would make a great blog" but don't have time to get it written. Now, no more excuses. Let see how well this works...onto the blog!!

So much has happened the last few months. Through April as annual events started to pass I was brought back to last April when we were going through the injectable meds & IUI (superovulation). We had an event at work and I thought "dang, last year I had to leave to go have bloodwork/Sono." I started thinking about how stressed I was during that time. I was also so hopeful. Thinking back to that hope truly made me sad b/c with every memory ended with the memory of the cycle ending.

Easter passed and I thought about how hard last Easter was. We were supposed to be with family but had to cancel due to having to go in for Sono/bloodwork. Not only did we not get to go out of town...but we didn't even get to go to church. I just remember feeling so HEAVY with emotions that day, but we made it a great day & had a great lunch & day together.

Then we hit mothers day. Dang. This was the one I was dressing most. Not only does it hold the sting of being a day to celebrate what I am NOT, but it also brought back last year and the fact that it was 3 days after our "no." Last year, we were at home in West Monroe for the weekend. It was perfect & exactly what I needed. Feff was in town, too, and we talked about how being "home" was like being wrapped in a big comfy blanket. As good as it felt...we were also so broken inside. It was a great distraction, but it didn't cover the hurt. Last Mother's Day I can't forget the hugs, kisses on the cheek, and support that we received from those who love us so much. This Mothers Day we spent the day together and once again trying to forget what the day was all about. We went to our church here and then came home for a long nap & time together.

Then came my Birthday. At the end of May I turned 31 and I couldn't pass that day without thinking about the fact that last year I was in HAWAII! Talk about depressing!!!

I don't mind getting older...but panic starts to set in when I think about how old I am and that I wanted to be a young mom. I guess God has different plans for me & I am learning to trust in them.

One of the biggest things about this year has been freedom from the drugs. For basically 5 years my body (and my mind) has been overwhelmed by the drugs. It's not an excuse for all of my behavior, but I feel so much LiGHTER and like I have a glimmer of hope that I was missing for a long time. There is such a hurt in my heart still, but I also have this laughter & joy that tends to overshadow the pain. God will bless us...He will...we just have to find our rainbows through the rain.

I know it's not the most fabulous post, but it's one that's been on my heart for a while now. What a difference this last year has been & what a difference I hope the next year brings!!

Look for posts coming about out trip in March to St Louis

And then this past week to the Smoky Mountains

I'm back, kids, & hopefully better than ever!!!

Thanks for continuing to pray for us & our fabulous future family!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


trooppetrie said...

glad to see you back, can not wait to hear about your trip

Britney K said...

So good to hear from you!!!!!! Seriously... we should be better friends. Maybe this winter. :) After camp and summer church stuff is gone. :)

Kate said...

Love that you shared your heart like this. I cannot imagine how difficult this road is, but I'm so thankful that you are resting in God's will and His plans for your life.
I am praying for you both. God knows the deepest desires of your heart - He put them there. Hold on, sweet friend. He will make you a mother, and how blessed will that child be to be born to parents who truly wanted him/her, and walked through fire and waited through deserts to him/her.

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