Wednesday, August 12, 2009

It's like my hormones ate my brains!

(that's the title of a group I joined on facebook...but how true that is right now!)

I haven't been on any fertility meds since last October-ish and I forgot how they make me feel!

Goodness sakes!!
I feel like a raging lunatic!!

I was on clomid for a year straight when we first started all of this. I can only hope that I wasn't this crazy back then! I am on Femera right now and it is about to drive ME crazy...I can only imagine what my poor Ben thinks!

See, if I were to divide the emotional side and logical side of my brains up into 2 parts, I would normally say that I am 80% logical and 20% feelings/emotions. MAYBE even more logical than that.

If you look at my family, it's interesting.

My dad is 100% logical/thinker and my mom is 100% emotional/feeler.
So my sisters and I are an odd mix:

Michelle: 100% emotional/feeler like mom
Me: 80/20 mostly logical (that MAY be closer to 90/10!) mostly like dad
Steph: pretty much down the middle-with a little more logic-so we'll say 60/40 mostly logical.

I think that one thing that has helped me deal with this infertility JUNK is the fact that I AM a logical thinker. Let's keep it all about the facts and I am fine. When people ask about it, I tell them only the facts. When it gets into the feelings part of it...I back down. I don't want to go there. On the blog I get into the feelings a LITTLE more b/c I can write about it w/out talking about it and crying (I did get SOME emotional from my mom, remember).

This last week I have been a sweaty, weepy, nagging mess!!!!!
(But, I guess for these purposes that's a good thing!)

I can feel the LITTLEST things get under my skin. In my head, I KNOW that I am being irrational...but I just cant stop. I feel like I have picked so many fights with Ben because I just can't let little things roll off my back. Sure, he's said some mean things...but I kept pushing. My head says to "shut up" and not say anything...but before I can stop it-it just spills out of my mouth.

(I'm so glad that I don't act like a "hormonal girl" most of the time!!!!!!!)

Poor Ben is so tired of dealing with it all!!! He is good at just ignoring things I say and rolls over to go to sleep. This may be fine SOME times...but, HELLO...I need to talk, please!!! Then, I just lay there FUMING and I cant sleep. So, the next day I am tired and crabby again. I seriously think that this has been our life all week.

On top of it all...I KNOW it's hormone related and that frustrates me and I cry even more. I just cant get a break. (You know that I HATE crying, right?!?) I just hate being emotional/irrational and that makes me more emotional.

I got into the car the other day and turned the air up as high as it would go. Ben just looked at me (like I was crazy) and I just said "I'm sweating bullets...I'm DY-ING" in the most dramatic voice ever. He was like " just got ready and dressed" but he let me keep the air up as long as I needed it. He's a good man and I love him to pieces!!

I just feel overwhelmed.
And I know that this is coming from the meds as well!

He is helping out SO much without complaining, but then I feel guilty because I am the wife and I should be taking care of the house. We both work long hours and it is just getting to me lately. There is never any time (I sound like Jessie from Saved By The Bell, right?) My house is a MESS, but I don't have time to clean it. And we have to save for a baby, so we cant afford to "hire help." I love to cook! Like, LOVE! But, we get home so late that it has been a chore lately. Again, we are on a budget, so we NEED to be eating at home. On a typical night for us, we FINISH eating dinner around 9 or 9:30. That's INSANE, right?!?!? After that, who wants to clean the kitchen to clean ANYTHING for that matter? By the time we "relax" for a bit, it's time to go to bed.

Usually, I can reason my way out of feeling this way...but on this med, all I want to do is cry about it! And be annoyed!

Luckily, I have one more night of the Femera. After that, I hope that I can blame my raging hormones on actually being pregnant!!

(sorry to sound so complain-ey but I needed to share!)
(if you see me crying or getting easily angered/annoyed...please excuse me!!)

UGG...have I mentioned that I HATE feeling like this?!?!?



Jen said...

I feel that way most of the time and I don't have any hormone excuse for it. Just keep telling yourself that it's worth it in the long run. Hang in there!
Love you. jen

Leah said...

I feel your pain. I am right there with you! It is all worth it, because here I am going it again! Tim and Ben should just call each other and vent! Then they would feel better too!

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