Thursday, May 14, 2009

I prayed for patience...

...can I take it back?
I can't take any more.

The first time I had the sono-hist done, I was scared to death. I spent the day in prayer and asking for prayers so afraid of the outcome. The outcome was that I had to have surgery, but good. We had to schedule a surgery, but were giddy in the process. The procedure didn't hurt at all. This time...not so much.
This time, we prayed, but I was not worried. I was confident. I knew what to expect. (CB stop reading for a minute) This time, the sono-hist HURT LIKE THE DICKENS. After 3 years of being poked and prodded it takes a LOT for me to cringe and bite my tongue. But OH MY WORD...I almost kicked my Dr in the head!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At one point, I thought "I cant take this for another second. What am I going to do?" I almost panicked. But, what can you do? Nothing.
It didn't help that beforehand, I SAW the catheter that was going to be used sitting on the counter. I am the kind of person that can deal with most pain, but I don't want to SEE anything. I don't want ANY kind of visual. At. All. Well, that was only the beginning. I will spare you the details, but the beginning was SO painful and it only got worse.

When he began the sono (after the saline was inserted but the catheter still in) I wasn't sure what I was looking at on the screen. He began to work intently, got very quiet, and at one point asked for more saline. Ouch. He then explained that my uterus had adhered to itself. There was a point in the middle where the top and bottom were connected. He tried to use the saline and the catheter to pry it open. OUCH!! But, that didn't work. OUCH!! He began talking about having to fix it with a "procedure." I was praying that this would be an office procedure. Nope.

More surgery.

Another Histeroscopy.

In one week.

"It's all part of the process" he said as he left the room. Great. This time, I was in tears before the nurse could even walk out. I hate crying. I couldn't stop. We went to schedule it and I cried for that lady, too. I couldn't look at the woman checking us out. I was crying. We got in the elevator. I was crying. We waited for valet. I was crying. We got in the car. I lost it. We drove to Ben's car and we each drove home alone. I drove home singing and crying. I waited until I got home to call my mom. Crying. I laid down to take a nap. Still in pain. Still crying. Leah called and Ben answered and said that I was napping. I was awake. Crying. I called Leah back when I thought I had it together. Cried anyway. We didn't go to church last night b/c I would have had to re-do my entire face of makeup & would have ended up crying anyway. Instead, we went to Leah's house a little later so we could be distracted. No makeup needed. (I love how much her little ones love us. I ESPECIALLY love how much the ADORE Ben. It makes my heart happy!)

Have I mentioned that I HATE to cry?
I guess I needed a good cry. It just wouldn't stop!

"Uno attack" with friends is good for the soul. Especially the round where Leah's sweet mom decided to gang up on me. I ended up with 421 points in one round. 421!!!!!! (The game only goes to 500!) But, I'll take it. Laughing is good. Leah's mom is not so "sweet" anymore.

Laughing until you cry...I can do that!

I'm dealing with the fact that I have to have another surgery. This will be #4 since trying to get pregnant and #6 over all (since 2001). I'm just annoyed more than anything. With the 2 insurances that we have, we don't have to worry about the $$ this time around. We just got our $$ that we paid sent back to us from the last surgery that I had. So, we didn't pay anything. (don't tell anyone!)

This could not have come at a worse time. We are going on vacation June 5th and the weeks leading up to that are the busiest that we have had in a LONG LONG while. It's seriously INSANE. There was not a date for surgery that worked for us, seriously. So, we just had to schedule what Dr. Putman could do. So, next Wednesday it is. The same day that Ben's brother Phillip is moving in with us. Only for 10 weeks. So, Phillip and Ben's mom are supposed to be coming Wednesday night. MY mom wants to come for the surgery. She's always here for my surgeries and is a big help. Sometimes moms just know what you need...and husbands are clueless (sometimes). Even if I didn't NEED her, I think she would want to be here simply b/c it's surgery and her daughter is going under.

How is this going to work? I have NO clue. Ben says that we will make it work and that we have enough beds. (if we move the trundle out into the dining room) He doesn't get that its not just about the beds. There is more to having a house full of people that sleeping space. We WILL make it work. It's just bad timing!

My co-worker, Teresa's daughter just had a baby on Tuesday and Teresa is taking off all week to be with her family. Who does the work fall on? You guessed it...the next least paid, yet Makes a lot of since. I know. BUT, I was gearing up and learning more of her job so that I could pick up the slack for her. Now, I will be out Wed-Friday. Part of me does NOT feel guilty, because lately I have been the one that has picked up everyone else's slack...while getting paid a LOT less. (But, I am fine w/ that b/c I am getting the insurance benefits that I need. It just wears on me when I am tired and have a lot piled up to do.) But, a big part of me DOES feel guilty and bad that I am missing more work. I am truely blessed to have the job that I have, though. Without this job, we would not have been able to see the fertility specialist to begin with. I am blessed to have a Christian boss that is a "family man" first and understands. Blessed to have a boss that understands when I cry in his office! Blessed to work with wonderful Christian people!!
Blessed. Blessed. Blessed. Beyond belief!

I'm just annoyed.
And frustrated.
And annoyed.
And tired of crying.
And annoyed that I can't stop crying!

I'm fine.
We'll be fine.
This is minor.
"A part of the process."

My song this time:
"All the Way my Savior Leads Me" by Chris Tomlin
(turn the music player at the bottom down to hear this one)

Headed home to enjoy another evening at home. Not working late! Thanks for your prayers!!


Moore Memories said...

I checked in on you today with Leah...I was shocked...heart broken for you. I am so sorry another surgery...REALLY! Oh, sweet, sweet Jesus..let this be it...please...

*Courtney* said...

Oh, Kristina! I'm so sorry that you had such an awful time. (I laughed out loud at the part where you mentioned to stop reading) Luckily, I didn't see it beforehand.

Anyway, you are in my prayers daily, and you are such an inspiration. Get ready for a BIG hug tomorrow! :)

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